Sullivan's Journal 2013

 


That odd encounter July 18, 1982

A second chance July 25, 1982

On the road again May 11, 1983

Happy birthday, baby May 12, 1983

Friday the Thirteenth again May 13, 1983

After the wedding vows May 14, 2013

The other man May 15, 1983

A day in a life May 16, 1983



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That odd encounter July 18, 1982

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  She showed up at the strip club tonight, more than a bit of a surprise, as starkly attractive as any of the girls on the stage, yet carrying the baggage of her home down the street, as if I assumed she did associate with such people, especially after her how involved her ex-husband became, calling himself a dancer’s agent, when he really served as their pimp. Seeing her here made me wonder, had he pimped her, too? Had we all been wrong all along about her, and this only increased my interest, as I’ve been haunting these streets like a dog in heat. I live multiple lives, the supposedly straight-laced slightly older student up at college by day while at night I roam the streets and strip clubs. So, perhaps she does, too. Earlier today, I hung out with one of the girls at the campus newspaper, someone whom I’ve been involved with, but far short of anything approaching love. With her, we can talk reason, far from the illogic of this world of drugs, alcohol, sex and perversion. ...
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A day in a life May 16, 1983

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  We’re playing musical chairs, but with people. My uncle (after yet another attempted suicide) is back up at his room in the mad house, allowing, Fran and her brother to move in with me temporarily. My life overflows with women from my longest friend from grammar school, who sits in her apartment, burdened with the guilt of having chosen between two lovers – desperate to find meaning in her life. Fran, on the other hand, has given up pursuing any such noble efforts, completely living her life in the present without apparent regrets over the past or concerns over the future., starkly determined to live her life on her own terms, even when sometimes that might cause me hurt, as with the fact that she insists on my sharing her with her former lover, and goes back and forth between us, sometimes arriving at my place still bearing his seed inside her, and expecting me to add to it. Fran’s desperate need for love scares me, so intense almost all the time, I feel like a sex mac...
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A second chance July 25, 1982

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  I’m constantly amazed at how stupid human beings can be. Many don’t say what they mean or say too much, or talk in riddles others struggle to solve. Last night I had a chance to have sex with my ex-wife and opted not to. It’s hard to explain why, except that it felt wrong – not morally wrong, so much as a misstep leading to a set of future circumstances I think I would come to regret. After all those years of pining over her, and wishing her back in my life, when it finally came to the point where it became possible, I balked. My ex kept hinting about it all day and most of the night, and seemed puzzled at my hesitation. Part of this has nothing to do with her or her past, or the fact she’s engaged in mankind’s oldest profession. Most of it has to do with I’m not the same person I was back then when we met or even later when we broke up, and I can no longer recreate myself in that image, since it appears she clearly wants the old me back. This is not to say I woul...
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